Only when I sleep
by Sandrine C
Summary: One-shot, Post 3x08, Damon's thoughts as he watches Elena sleep.


**Only when I sleep**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Vampire Diaries don't belong to me. Credit goes to the rightful owners.**

Damon watched Elena's eyes close as she finally gave in to exhaustion. He watched as her breathing became even and steady, completely vulnerable as she slept. He half-expected her to wake up kick him out when she realized that he was still there but minutes passed and she slipped further into her dreams.

He wanted to reach out and touch her, make sure she was real. Damon knew that even at his best he wasn't what you would call a good person, far from it. The trust he had earned was fragile and always dangled precariously on the edge. But he knew that he must have done something right to be allowed into Elena's life.

Damon no longer felt like an intruder. Even with Stefan gone, he expected to still feel like a third wheel to his brother's relationship with Elena, an unwelcome but necessary presence in her life as they fought to get back what was lost. He didn't think she give him his own spot in her life, one close enough to her heart that she refused to risk losing him, somehow worrying her enough to keep her from chasing after Stefan if it meant Damon going up against a werewolf.

He sighed imperceptibly as he brushed back a lock of hair that had fallen across her face. His sins stacked up against him and he knew it would be foolish to wish for anything more than what he had now. He knew it should be enough to have this undefined relationship with her but moments like this made him believe in the impossible.

"Blindly and recklessly, even if it consumes me," Damon whispered, "There's really no other way to love someone, Elena, at least not for me. And that's why I don't deserve you and I doubt I ever will. There are only so many times I can hurt you before you stop forgiving me. One of these days, you're going to stop believing that I really do love you. But I promise you I will get Stefan back to you before that day comes. I'm going to give you a shot at happiness, Elena, and when all is said and done, that's really the only thing that matters to me."

With one last look, Damon stood up to leave, pulling the covers tight around Elena as he wondered briefly what she was dreaming about when a small smile crossed her lips when his hand brushed the side of her face.

"Sleep tight, Elena," he said softly before vanishing into the dark night, "You still have a lot to tell me in the morning. I'll be waiting."

* * *

><p>Elena sat up in a panic, looking around frantically as her eyes adjusted to the dark. Something was wrong, out of place and it unsettled her, she just couldn't tell what it was. She flung the covers away from her and realized it moved far to easily. Nothing was weighing it down.<p>

She closed her eyes and groaned in frustration, finally realizing what had woken her. Unwilling to face the truths that came with it, she stood up walked towards the fluttering curtains. Damon was maddening, coming as he pleased and never bothering to close the window. It was petty, Elena knew, but she needed a distraction that would keep her mind from processing that she wanted him there, that she felt safer with him around and right now, there wasn't anyone else she trusted to get her through but him.

Elena let her forehead touch the cool glass, as she looked outside, unable to keep herself from searching for Damon, irrationally worried if he made it to his house just fine. She looked at her reflection crossly, agitated with her own irrational thoughts. Damon was more than capable of getting home in one piece. He's a vampire and he's also not an idiot. She kept reminding herself of this as she went back to her bed but her mind kept pushing forward other memories that made her wish she simply asked him to stay.

She sat down and picked up the pillow he used earlier, holding it tightly as she remembered the delirious vampire who was stumbling around town, unable to recognize her. Elena recalled the sheen of sweat and the pallor of his skin as the werewolf bite poisoned his body. She held him that night, thinking that maybe if she just kept her arms around him she wouldn't lose him. Her heart broke when he told her he loved her, knowing his confession came only because he was so close to the end that he had nothing to lose and because she thought she didn't have time to find the courage to love him back.

But Katherine came and erased all the lines that Elena drew on the sand, leaving her with words that haunted her every time she looked in Damon's eyes.

"_It's okay to love them both."_

Elena looked at the empty space beside her and wondered if there was still a choice to be made or if she ever had one in the first place. The entire world understood why she fell in love with Stefan and why she refused to let him go. There was so much goodness in him that drew her to him, as if she could be better just by being around him.

But with Damon, things rarely made sense and never easy. Even just talking to him required so much of her energy, just…so much of _her_. He pushed her buttons, setting her off and making her question why she kept him in her life at all. Yet it was with him that she felt most herself and it scared her that she trusted him that much to let him see who she really was.

She lay down on her side, placing her hand where Damon was before, wishing she had more than half her heart to give him. Katherine was wrong. He was wrong. Elena knew that Damon deserved her love, imperfect as he was, and everything that came with that. She knew that she'd only break him if she gave him anything less. Elena couldn't love them both without destroying the three of them in the process.

"She loves blindly and recklessly, even if it consumes her," Elena said to no one, "I'm not you, Rebekah. I can't afford to love like that even if I want to. I can't be selfish and risk hurting people I care about. It's enough I have him in my life…even if I can never tell him I love him."

Elena curled herself into a ball and cried herself to sleep, wishing morning would come sooner and she'd be able to talk to him. And in the light of the day, she can pretend that she doesn't dream of him each night, the only time she's ever able to let him know that somewhere along the way she fell in love with him too.


End file.
